Lets start this text with a an easy question: ” When approached by a colleague, friend or staff member with a difficulty are you a talker, interrogator or a listener?
With somewhat self awareness it’s not hard to work out which one we are: Talkers do exactly that, they simply talk…. and talk……..and talk. Talkers submit with others speaking just long enough for them with the intention to unload what it’s they wish to claim, normally their opinion on to the alternative person.
Talkers anticipate an pause inside the conversation on the way to say something. Talkers often fake listening simply so that they are able to say something. Talkers speak at people, they do not connect. Obviously talkers are a joy to be around (joke) Talkers commonly have very noisy internal dialogue/self talk. They sometimes either have a misplaced sense of their own importance/sense of rightness or a deep lack of self esteem it really is overcompensated for by the entire talk. They’re most of the time uncomfortable with silence.
Interrogators don’t stop asking questions, it’s like being with the Spanish inquisition. They wish to grasp everything, every detail, they need to ensure that each one the t’s are crossed and the i’s are dotted as they find out more. Interrogators don’t actually need to listen, instead they wish to collect information for there own self interest. Interrogators often live in a global of hyper comparison, they need to make certain that not anyone has anything over them. Interrogators often have significant insecurities and believe that by identifying all about you they are able to assess you correctly, label you and put you in a convenient box (that suits their map of the sector). A lot of people learn that asking questions is a superb communication skill, that’s true – however there is an incredibly difference between asking questions out of genuine interest and asking them to fulfill once own psychological complexities and personal insecurities !
Listeners genuinely listen, they wish, out of no ulterior motive, to totally understand the alternative persons needs. Listeners have a well developed sense of self, they respect others opinions, experiences and concepts without judgement. Listeners are ready to create a safe environment where others are ready to open up and really be themselves. Listeners haven’t any desire for fake relationships or communication and therefore want others to be themselves as any other style of communication becomes boring and meaningless to them. The Listener is ready to create deep trust with others quickly in addition as motivate others to speak and share information. Listeners are happy with silence and haven’t any should talk for the sake of it. Listeners truly hear. To create the distance where someone actually feels heard is among the great gifts that you’ll be able to give to another – this can be a rare thing, but a skill worth mastering. To profit to hear is to have mastered probably the most important skills we will for in doing so we provide ourself with proof that we have got worked through lots of our own personal insecurities and issues. We become more selfless.
Take heed to people the way in which you need to be listened to, and you too will start to feel heard.
8 Barriers To Masterful Listening
1. Doing something else while the person is talking
2. Waiting (barely) for a pause before jumping in
3. The will to assert something. The shortcoming to remain quiet
4. Fake listening, something you should achieve this which you could talk
5. Selective listening
6. Listening only to words rather that the entire person (unconscious signals along with body language and tonality)
7. Easily distracted, can you remain focuses through distractions?
8. Can you be free from judgement – can you dissolve your personal world view and personal opinions to remain present?
Article provided by Alistair Horscroft, Director The Mind Institute
NLP, Hypnosis, Coaching